"Arctic Blast 09"

We rarely get snow. So the news always makes everything sound like a disaster. Because I did not think that we would really get snow, I jokingly dubbed this "Arctic Blast 09." Here are a few pictures from Arctic Blast 09.

This is right before I cleared my car this morning at 5:15 am.




This is probably 8:40 am. If you go back to the first post on snow, you see how much has fallen since 5:15 am. Though it can be a bit deceiving because of the "drifts" on the grill.



This is the car at 8:45. Remember I had desnowed the car at 5:15.

PIGS ARE FLYING!

IT'S SNOWING IT'S SNOWING


Here where I live, the meterologist often "predict" 2 to 4 inches of snow and it never happens. So yesterday when I got "wind" of a little snow fall. I decided it wasn't worth it to get a bit excited at all.

IT'S SNOWING IT'S SNOWING!

I still gotsta drag my sorry butt out though and go to work b/c my work place NEVER closes or delays. We'll see. Maybe it will mean for a slower morning though.

EDITED: We're on a two hour delay. Just spoke to my boss online and she said for me to stay at home. Hopefully we'll turn into a closure, but that she'd call me if she needed me. But otherwise just enjoy the day.


I wish I could be one of those "people" that just could "call out," but I've always been dependable. So unless I can not get OUT of my driveway ... I'll be there. Only time I"ve ever not gone into work b/c of snow was the time it took us about 2 hours to get 1 mile down the road and at that point we HAD to turn around b/c there was a huge wreck that covered the road.

That was on my birthday a few years ago. January 27, 2004. :) So if it snows in one more week, I'll get birthday snow again! :-)

Not Me Monday!

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.




On Saturday, I absolutely did not rethread my shoe laces THREE times because they were uneven on both shoes only to look down to realize that I had rethreaded them the wrong way. One shoe the right lace was over top and the other shoe the left lace was over top. I left them like this and it did not bother me in any way, shape or form!

I did not mention that my birthday is coming up 5 times at my PICC line dressing change and I did not suggest that they should purchase me a birthday cake. I am not shamelessly hinting right now that my favorite cake is white cake with strawberry frosting in the middle with white frosting on the outside!

We absolutely did not change from cable to satellite dish because our bill was raised by seven dollars. This is after not changing from Satellite to cable three years ago for the exact same reason. ;) I am not looking forward to having a DVR in the house for the first time ever. I think it's a complete waste of time and effort and why would anyone ever want one when they can use a VCR instead.

Tune in next Monday for the next edition of Not Me Monday!

What you don't know about me!

25 things that you don't know about me (well Missy & Kellie probably does, but the rest of you ... maybe or maybe not).

1. I don't have my ears pierced currently.

2. I had my ears pierced for a very short time in like the 3rd grade. I hated it.

3. I played the Flute in Middle & High School and I would practice on the way home by rolling down the windows and sticking the end part OUT of the window.

4. I marched Color Guard & Winter Guard in Middle, High School & one semester of College and much to the chagrin of my mother I would practice twirling the rifle IN the house. :o)

5. I also learned how to spin a sabre my senior year of High School.

6. I had my first and only solo in Winter Guard my very last show of the season.

7. In 8th grade, I did a duet during the Winterguard season. It was awesome! :-)

8. My ballet instructor in Elementary School was a nice lady and she was a funeral home director's wife. My ballet instructor in Middle/High School wasn't so nice. She was a pastor's wife. Isn't it ironic?

9. I have my Bachelor's degree in Social Work.

10. I have an obsession with the time 1:27. If I'm in the car when it hits the time 1:27 and I realize it's 1:27, I smile a lot.

11. I worked for one summer at a Camp for the Blind. It was the most rewarding thing I had ever done. I met amazing campers and counselors.

12. My most treasured item is a T-shirt that my Granny gave me. It is a signed T-shirt by the starters of the Carolina basketball team when the 1993 team won the championship.

13. My home was broken into on Homecoming my senior year of High School. The thief only took a few things, but broke a lifetime of memories when they shattered my little red piggy bank that had belonged to my father when he was a boy. It was a cute little piggy too. It had a cork for a snout. Now you tell me, if they wanted money .. couldn't they just take the snout out and get it that way. That piggy bank had about 7 dollars in it ~ all silver dollars and 50 cent pieces, but I had always had that piggy. They must have not been a UNC fan because my prized T-shirt wasn't touched.

14. My favorite dessert when I was a child was banana pudding (with Nilla wafers) from this little restaurant in Rich Square. (I think it was Rich Square; it could have been Conway)

15. I have lived in North Carolina my whole life and I say ya'll and sometimes when I visit WCU I say yuins when I get back.

16. It was my dream to get married in a church with a steeple. I did not care where, but the only requirements were that I had to get married in a Steepled Church and it had to have a center aisle! I just could see me as a child clasping my hands together and saying, "Here is the church and here is the steeple; open the doors and see all the people." I wanted to open the doors and see all the people!

17. I only had one adult female attendant on my side in the wedding. This is the ONLY wedding related decision I regret. I wish I had chosen my other best friend to be in the wedding. I did not because he was a he and I thought that a he couldn't stand up for me. That was a huge mistake that I will regret for a life time.

18. I thought I was sexy in my Army Green Colored Corduroy Overalls in the early 90's. (eeks)

19. I have an obsession with a neat sock drawer.

20. My Dad really wanted me to play the Oboe.

21. Most of my family are musicians. My cousin misheard the word musician when he was born and became a magician instead! Actually he's a musician too, but he is an excellent magician.

22. I am terrified of needles. I can't look when others get IV's and before Priscilla (my name for my PICC line) I couldn't look when I got my own IV's inserted. I cough every time I get a heparin shot in my PICC line.

23. I was extremely shy in Middle & High School. I did not date a single person that attended my High School. The only guys I dated did not go to my school because the one experience I had with dating a guy at the school was extremely embarrassing. To lessen teen angst, I had a rule to not date a guy from my school ever again. Of course this guy moved that I had been dating and I dated him off and on through HS, but that doesn't count now does it since technically he did not go to my school anymore.

24. I dated 5 guys in one semester of college. I went from being the anti-dater to the dater extraordinaire. Of course 3 of 5 of the guys were major A-holes. One of the guys was from the previous semester/summer and the 5th guy was a very sweet guy that just wasn't right for me. He lasted from the dating semester through the summer through part of the next semester. Two days after we broke up, I started dating my husband (who ~ did not go to my school ~ I decided maybe it was time to reinstate the not date a guy from my school ever again rule).

25. When I was in college, I did a presentation on a disorder that I actually had been diagnosed with my second semester of college. I just "accepted" the diagnosis and never really looked into it. During one of my last classes, I had to pull a "social/personality" disorder out of a hat and do a presentation on it. After the presentation, I realized my diagnosis was full of pooey and I most certainly did NOT have it after I realized I did not meet the DSM IV guideline requirements for the disorder. I want to go to every single doctor that ever diagnosed me and give them a good kick in the rear for not listening to me when I knew there was something wrong. Of course I bet you all know that. Instead I pray that their next patient got more compassion than I received and that maybe they learned a bit about tick borne illness that manifests itself in a psychological/physiological/Cognitive way.

A wee bit of fun

Tomorrow after my dressing change, I am going to be hanging out with an old friend of mine.

I am so excited because I really rarely every hang out with friends and this friend is coming a good 3 hours to visit! I really am not quite sure what is on the agenda, but whatever it is we will have fun. We always do! :-)

Yah for Missy! Her birthday was 10 days ago and she's going to get some part of her ear pierced. She wants me to take PHOTOS. *gasp* Yes I know what you guys are saying: Jennifer you have an IV permanently in your arm and you can't even think about watching someone get their ears pierced .... Isn't that messed up? I don't even want to think about it. I'm so squeamish! So sorry Missy you may not be able to get a photo of your new hole cause I may not be able to stomach watching!

Cleaning my life up

My last post described with a bit of detail my life for the last five years. Sometime in the last 3 months, I woke up from this horrible nightmare to look around at another horrible nightmare.

By the time I came home I generally crashed on the couch and spent the rest of my evening either asleep or on the computer with others that understood the demands on this Lyme life all because it took every ounce of energy I had just to get up in the morning and go to work. I really had failed to take a good hard look at what Lyme Disease had done to my home. On Saturday for some reason, I took a good look.

Lyme Disease had turned my home into a nightmare. I am working on correcting that nightmare. I worked with determination and great speed to clean my living room and master bedroom yesterday. Today, I worked with great effort to clean my bathroom. I have lots to do still, but I am hoping that within the next two weeks that most nooks and crannies will be able to be seen by a perfect stranger and not realize that the Lyme Life had taken over my home.

I am positive that my husband was completely embarrassed to have any sort of company over. Of course, we are not the kind of family that just have company over. He gets home fairly late and by the time we eat dinner ... I've been in the bed.

I do not make "resolutions" because "resolutions" are broken. There is also nothing to be "resolved." I make goals and I challenge myself to be a better version of me every year. Last year, I challenged myself to be a happier person. Now you can't just say "I want to be happier" and expect it to happen. I broke it down. I wanted to smile at least once a day and I wanted to make at least one other person smile at least once day. You may find that to be an "easy" challenge, but not for me. I've always been the kind of down in the dumps and not very easy to smile kind of person. But last year ... 2008 was the year that I smiled EVERY SINGLE DAY no matter how awful I felt. I smiled at least once.

So what is my challenge this year? My challenge for myself this year is to keep my house looking presentable. That pretty much means that I would really like for the Living Room and Kitchen to be looking good at all times and the Laundry to be kept up. We've already fixed one of our problems in the Laundry area ... we had no place to put the dirty clothes. So now we have two beautiful laundry baskets and as of January 1st .. we've had no piles of dirty or clean clothes on the floor. Yes I know it is only the 15th .. but TWO WEEKS is unheard of in my Lyme Life home! :)

We'll see how this "challenge" goes. Something is better than nothing.

Living the Lyme Life

This is a long post. Sorry in advance.

I could feel it on the inside. Every muscle and bone ached ... I couldn't see straight. I was dizzy. I was overall miserable. It was at that moment that I stopped living a normal life and began living the Lyme Life. I was sick all night and slept just a little. I woke up, I went to work, I came home and I ate. Then I went to bed only to be disrupted by a night of vomiting and diarrhea. Then the next day looked exactly the same. It wasn't pretty, but it was my life.

Every moment of my day was filled with vitamins and antibiotics. If someone wanted to invite me for dinner, I had to insure I had my little burgundy lunch bag with me. It did not have food in it. It had my antibiotics in them and other vitamins that I may need IF lunch/dinner ran late. I stopped exercising at the gym because it was too inconvenient and painful. My brain wasn't working well enough to do the Step Aerobics that I just loved and my body was failing me. Also it was too difficult to stop half way through a wonderful work-out to take my antibiotics.

I fell into the Lyme rabbit hole. It was a different world than I was accustomed. If I had to make a guess I would assume that most people couldn't even begin to understand my body's own personal prison. Every person with Lyme Disease is affected differently and I can not even begin to understand my friend's personal prison. Their prison is different than my prison.

After a year of treatment, my prison was becoming more and more restricting. The restrictions of the medications themselves were suffocating. Take this two hours away from this and you have to eat with this one, but you can not eat with that one and the one you can eat with you can take with this other one, but only if you don't eat dairy! You can only have dairy two hours away from another drug and make sure you don't lie down at least 2 hours after you take this one and whatever you do ... do not go out in the sun or you'll get sunburned! This one will make you vomit and this one will give you diarrhea and be careful with this one because it can cause severe dizziness, tendon ruptures and embarrassing flatulence!

Before my diagnosis, I thought knowing what I have is better than not knowing what I have. But I was beginning to think after over a year of treatment .... I'd rather be dead than live in this personal prison. My last straw was on a day in which I passed out at work and was hallucinating streaks of pastel colors. Finally in May of 2008, I was offered a key to get out of this imprisonment. I was offered the AMT treatment that would leave me not taking a single antibiotic. I would be able to eat dairy whenever I pleased and would be able to nap without worrying about acid reflux and go outside (should I really want ... and at this point can you blame me for not wanting to be out and about with the ticks at large?).

From May to July, I spent in my own personal IV prison. It would take 3 or 4 jabs to get an IV started. I would drink 24 or more ounces of water & use a heating pad for them to get an IV started. Then finally on July 17, 2008, I was given a reprieve of needle sticks. My PICC line was inserted. It gave me a new set of problems, but these were much better than the alternatives.

Now in January, I still have the PICC and am working on Living the Life instead of Living the Lyme Life. Most of the time, I forget I even have the IV in my arm. In fact, I am forgetting so much that I have forgotten on several occasions to put in the Heparin in my line on each night and almost got in the shower the other night without my picc line cover!

I am taking my life back. I have started exercising again. For Christmas, I was able to locate my husband the Wii. He has been wanting it for a while so that we could buy a Wii Fit. I was hesitant because I figured that the Wii is just a "fad." Well, I purchased it for him and we have really enjoyed it. My parents located and purchased a Wii Fit for our birthday. Both of our birthdays are in January. We began working out on December 30th and I have only missed two days. I have worked out at least 30 minutes every day. Some days I have even worked out for 90 minutes.

It's amazing to be living life again after living so long in the Lyme life! There is hope for all of you living the Lyme Life! Yes I am still in treatment and I am not at 100 percent, but my days are so much better than they were a year ago ... even 6 months ago. Maybe one of these days I won't even consider myself a Lyme patient, but a Lyme Conqueror.

Not Me Monday!

So I have been reading MckMama's blog for a while. And she has been doing a thing called Not Me Monday for quite some time. I thought that I would NOT do this today and look what I am NOT doing! I am NOT posting about the things I did NOT do today.

There is no way that I would ever fall asleep in the middle of the UNC basketball game last night. I absolutely did not wake up exactly 15 minutes before I was to leave for work today. You know what else I did not do last night? I did not read one whole book in one sitting and it absolutely was not a book from my tween years.

I did not walk into the house today and ignore the clothes in my dryer. There is no way that I would sit down and get on facebook first while the laundry has been sitting waiting for me since yesterday. No, not me! Take a deep breathe here because there is no way on this Earth that I would cheat on the Wii Fit today by using a Swiffer Dust Pole to stable myself while doing the "Tree" Pose. I certainly did not do this! I did not stop exercising after only 32 fit credits just to sit on the couch to eat Peanut Butter on Crackers.

I do not have an obsession with my sock drawer and I most certainly didn't go to the store yesterday to purchase 12 brand new socks just so I could make my sock drawer look neater!

You wanna know what else I didn't do? I didn't call my friend Kellie out on my facebook status just because she's been away and I certainly don't miss her at all! And I am not going to post a blog the rest of the week!

The Big Question

So since the beginning of my treatment, I have always wondered the big question.

When is a ------------------ just a ---------------------?

You can fill in the blank with any symptom. When is a headache just a headache? When is an itch just an itch? When is joint pain just joint pain? "Normal " people get headaches & itches & even pain in their joints just for no known reason. Idiopathic. Well I have a "cause" for my headache (Lyme), itches (Candida) and joint pain (Lyme or other tick borne illnesses). But when does the bug go away enough that my headache is just a headache or my itch is just an itch or my joint pain is just joint pain.

You see I haven't had a headache in probably 8 weeks. I got one on Friday. After my long sleep Friday night, I woke up free & clear of a headache. I thought, "Wow a headache was just a headache." That is until this morning when I woke up with a whopper of a headache. These headaches are reminiscent of my early on Lyme headaches so it begs the question ... am I well enough to spread my treatments out by 8 weeks? I suppose time will tell. If the headaches continue, then I will have my undesired answer.

My itches & rashes come and go. One day they are not there and I have a tiny itch and the very next I have a huge rash wherever the rash is. The question becomes how quickly do I treat Candida. If I have a moment of itchiness, do I think immediately jump the gun and start Diflucan treatment? Or do I wait until the rash shows up?

This morning along with my headache, my knees were hurting. However on December 30th, I received a Wii Fit as a gift. I have worked out 10 of the last 12 days. I would attribute this to the joint pain ... IF ... I had never had Lyme Disease at all.

So my big question is

When is --------- just a blank? Can anyone answer this?

Feeling better

For those of you that were worried, I am feeling much better today. I even accomplished something! I cleaned my living room and did laundry! Amazing how much stuff accumulates around when you aren't feeling good.

Hung out with the hubby and the cuz'n today at the mall. I was reminded that many of my flaws are just due to heredity.

Prayers please

The past few days I have been really irritable. My overall mood has been less than stellar and I know it is all hormonal related which makes it even more frustrating because I am TRYING to snap out of it yet my hormones are just going crazy which makes me turn into a big ole meanie!

Last night I was so upset (and for good reason: I had 4 things back to back happen that were beyond my control) that I just decided to go get snug under my blankets, read a good book and go to sleep!

Anyways, just pray that my mood stabilizes soon. I don't see where my mood swings help anyone including myself.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

There I feel better.

Actually I don't, but hopefully after 8 hours of work .. I can come back home to relax.

Happy Birthday Gwyneth Rose!

I just wanted to make a note that today is Gwyneth Rose's birthday. This is truly an inspiring tale of God's miracles and a couple's dream come true!

I've changed my blog up today just for Gywneth. :)

This post right here changed the Lawrenson's world and everyone that knows them.

Happy Birthday MISSY

My friend Missy had a birthday January 6th. :)

Other than Carolina Blue and all things Tarheel related, her favorite color is purple.

So here for her viewing pleasure is a Lava Lamp (remember when I gave you one years and years ago?) with the color purple and some crazy music.





Next up 3 little cute guys that are ORANGE. Apparently your LEAST favorite color. :D

Vanessa!!!

I just came across a comment that was written back in October by a High School Senior named Vanessa. If you are still reading this blog, I hope you will comment! I would love to talk to you more about Lyme Disease and your treatment options. I hope that you are feeling much better by now, but I know this disease is a roller coaster ride.

Rash part 3

So last night I did the whole Benedryl, cream, Diflucan combo and it seems to be working. I slept for 12 hours straight! I woke up this morning and the 4th dose of Diflucan must be the magic number b/c the rash is slowly fading and the itch is pretty much non-existant. In fact, I didn't even use the cream this morning. Tonight, I will do the Diflucan and Cream only b/c Benedryl knocks me out for too long. It's like a Benedryl Coma and I have to work in the morning.

update on rash

**** New Layout for the New Year **** I may change it back to where it was before, but I think I like it. It's nice and relaxing.

Back to your regularly scheduled posting:

I still itch and it's like water torture. I got an email from my doctor this morning (yes on a Saturday) to come on by the office to have my face and arm checked out.

First things first:

My arm looked great. We changed the dressing and there were no blisters or rash under the dressing. That is a blessing because every time I get infected with yeast my picc line goes haywire.

Seconds: My nurse is almost positive it's just a yeast overgrowth. So I'm to continue the Diflucan. Last night at a moment of brilliance, I took some Benedryl. I don't know if it stopped the itching all night or if it just put me in a Benedryl coma. Either way, I got some much needed sleep. We also picked up some Benedryl Cream to see if that might help with the itching to not put me in a coma during the day. I have in the past used an over the counter anti-fungal cream to reduce the itching to a minimum, but in this particular situation that antifungal isn't reducing the itching enough. I want to share a picture, but the rash doesn't show up well on camera.

If the itching and rash isn't reduced significantly by Monday, I am to call up to the office again. They will either prescribe another antifungal medication or get me something. I dunno what they'll do. She said the option is that I could have something viral that gave me the rash. Hopefully between the Diflucan and the Benedryl cream, I will be feeling back to my normal self soon.

Christmas Stuff

Here are a few of my favorite photos from my house from Christmas 2008. Told you I'd get them up soon. :)

My Christmas Tree with IV pole in back & snowman lamp.

My IV Pole Christmas Tree



My favorite ornament from my childhood.

The Snowman ornament that started it all


My favorite Photo from Christmas!

I promise

The Christmas ornaments will be uploaded soon. I just haven't had the time to get them on the computer from my camera yet. Maybe I'll do that today or tomorrow.

The rash is ever growing! I could just shoot myself for not starting the fungal therapy sooner. Oh well, I'm sure the rash will be a faded memory in the near future. In the mean time, it itches like a --- well I'd prefer not to use profanity on my blog!

Hope everyone is having a wonderful 2009 so far.

2009 Health Bang

Happy New Year everybody. My Mantra is that "In 2009, I will be fine." I'm sticking to it even if on the first day I have started with health crisis already.

Three days ago, I noticed a bit of itching on my face. I thought maybe I had a mosquito bite. Well it kept itching and yesterday morning I noticed a bit of a small rash. So last night I started my Candida protocol (aka Diflucan). This morning (Happy New Year to me right?) I woke up with a rash on my leg too.

This is what happened here. So I am going to make an assumption that this is all Candida related (aka Yeast ~ no you can't add butter & jelly and have me for dinner!) and begin Diflucan. If the itching really drives me crazy, I'll add him a little anti-fungal cream for good measure. Of course my doctor's office is closed today and tomorrow so I won't be to get a hold of anyone from my great and powerful Oz (LLMD) until Monday. Hopefully by then, I'll have gotten it somewhat under control. I am beginning to think that part of my die off is getting a systemic yeast infection. My last treatment was Dec. 13th. Almost two weeks to the day, I begin itching.

After my 9/9 treatment, it was less than a week when I started itching and by 9/19 I was in full blown itch mode. It was at that time I realized it was yeast after doing the antifungal test.

As long as it doesn't get like it did in September/October, I will be happy. I could not sleep it was so bad during those times, but my face and neck feel like I have a bunch of little ticks crawling all over them. And my legs are starting to feel the tickles too.

Please pray for complete healing. Thanks.

2008 Review

So here it is: It is the last day of 2008.

Favorite Memories from 2008

1. Going to the Outerbanks for a mini vacation
2. Going to two CF Walks and both where I got to meet up with Tricia and Nathan
3. Going to a Carolina game and seeing the basketball Museum.
4. Going to Western Carolina for Alumni Band & Football game (where we actually won).
5. Got to hang out with Kellie twice this year.
6. Got to meet the director of Under Our Skin and see the movie on the big screen.
7. Climbed TWO lighthouses!
8. Helped a family in their time of need.
9. Reunited online with friends from Elementary School, Middle School, High School, and College Days (and even some old friends from work). I can't wait until some of these reunions can be made in person just like I got to do with Kellie! :o)


Some Health things that happened in 2008:

1. I got a PICC line on July 17, 2008
2. My blood was looked at under a really cool microscope.
3. The crazy itching time. I finally figured out why.
4. I had problems with the PICC.
5. I fell and hurt my wrist.
6. Started an experimental treatment in May of 08.

My goal last year was to reconnect with those that I had lost and smile at least once every day. I achieved that goal. This year? I want to continue on with that plan. :)

Coming soon

Coming soon to a blog near you will be photos of my favorite Christmas Ornaments. :o)

Last year this time, I was frustrated with my health. I was extremely frustrated because I was on all these medications and they were not helping at all. In fact, I believe that in many ways they made me worse. It hurt to walk and I fell all the time. I can not even count the number of times I fell down my steps ... ripped my pants ... had to come back inside to change clothes before I went to work. Nor can I count the number of times I got sick in the middle of the night for 3 to 4 hours. I was miserable.

I am so blessed to have gotten better. Here is the video/song I listened to on my worst days. I was sure that God would have reached down to take my pain away. I knew I needed patience. I had it. And He took my pain away.

11 months ago

Here is my post from January 26, 2008

my thoughts
Current mood: contemplative

I have spent this last year thinking about the transformation of my past to the person I have become. If you knew me back in the 90's, you know that I have changed quite a bit on both the inside and the outside. From my perspective, I was very unhappy with a lot of things on the outside which made me struggle with the emotions on my inside.

If my diagnosis had happened a few years ago, I would have quit my job and stayed at home to wallow in my misery. However, times have changed. While I have had days at the beginning where Lyme ruled my life, I made a decision a couple months ago to not let it overwhelm me anymore. As my 32nd birthday approaches, I realize that I don't want it to define me anymore. I don't want to be controlled by my feelings or my illness. I want to be Jennifer and that's all I have ever wanted. So this is the year. 2008 will be awesome. I will reconnect with those that I have lost and smile at least once a day!

Forgiveness part 2

In October, I wrote about forgiveness. Here is the first paragraph of what I wrote:

"The past few weeks I have been thinking about a very complex subject. The issue of forgiveness has been on my mind a lot the last few years and even more so in the last couple of weeks. The very definition of forgiving is the process of letting go resentment. It doesn't necessarily mean that you give absolution to the person that evoked the feelings in the first place. To me, it just means that you are taking a stand to let go of these emotions (whether it's anger, resentment, betrayal or other feelings)."

It dawned on me in all this forgiving that I have been doing for other people that I failed to remember one person that needed forgiveness. Myself. How can I forgive myself for my past wrongdoings? How can I forgive myself for hurting people in the past that may not have even known they were hurt? How can I let this weight off my shoulders be released?

Luke 6:37 Do not judge, and you will not be judged; do not condemn, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven.

I am trying to think of those that may have been hurt in the past by my actions or inactions so that I may ask for forgiveness. Though I think those persons that truly know me, they must know that I never intended for any pain to be caused. Unfortunately, they were just in the wrong place at the wrong time and just happened to get the insecure version of me.

Forgive and be forgiven.

Merry Christmas

Today is the anniversary of a day that holds some wonderful memories for me. Every year on Christmas morning, I would smell bacon & Livermush (and other breakfast delights) being cooked in the kitchen of my grandparent's house. I would hear a "HO HO HO" or two from my Dad and the night before was the night where my brother & I could not go to sleep no matter how hard we tried. I imagine it was in the 15 minutes or so that we did go to sleep that Santa visited b/c we'd take turns going out to the living room to find out if Santa had visited. NOPE. Finally we'd see the tremendous amounts of treasures Santa brought. Some of my favorite gifts over the years were a Cabbage Patch Doll, a grey monkey that I named Jacho, a doll house, and a baby doll that I just loved. I believe I still have Jacho & that baby doll in the closet. I carried Jacho everywhere and until this moment I never even thought that Jacho might need to have a spelling. :o)

Of course my favorite gift ever in my whole life came from my Grandparents. Those of you that know me .. know that the Tarheels rule. They rock my world. Well in 1993, my grandparents gave me a signed T-shirt from the UNC basketball team (the 1993 championship team no less with Eric Montross' signature on it).

So UNC has become an integral part of my Christmas' since forever ago. This year I was surprised with a new UNC shirt and a UNC blanket. Even more surprising, I pretty much awoke to the smell of bacon cooking in the kitchen. It is amazing how far back this smell is taking me.

Gift gifts are great. I love them, but I got two really wonderful gifts this year that are priceless. The first is that of my health. I have been so sick for the last three years that I have little memory of the past few years. So this year I was blessed with better health. The other is that of old dear friends. I have found so many friends this year from the past. Those gifts are just priceless.

Christmas Eve

By the time you read this, my husband will have been completely shocked. Today we are headed to my parent's house after a short visit to the doctor's office. Seems like the last few years, we always go to my parent's on Christmas Eve. Then on Christmas Day we go to my Aunt & Uncle's house. This year they are going to Holland for Christmas so we won't be going there on Christmas Day, but we will go there sometime during the Christmas season to visit my Grandfather.

Today is the day where about two months of planning has worked itself out so that my husband would be completely shocked.

So I got him a Wii. His face was priceless, but I was not able to capture the moment on the camera. We had a ball doing the Scavenger Hunt to find it. :o) These are the memories that I will cherish forever.

I am an idiot

I went to Crabtree Valley Mall two days before Christmas. Yes, I finished my present shopping weeks ago and yet I found myself at the mall. I think it took me longer to get into the actual mall and out of the mall than it did for the eating and walking around that I did inside the mall.

*smacks forehead* What idiot does this you ask?

The Lymie that wants to hang out with her other internet Lymie friend when she's in town for her LLMD appointment. I had a great time with Melisa and it really wasn't that bad inside the mall. BUT I need to pull my head out of the sand because when did 1987 come back in style? I so saw some things that teens would have worn in the mid to late 80's. I wanted to tap one girl on the shoulder and say "Hey the 80's called and they want their skirt back." *gasp* But instead I snickered and showed Melisa & Angi. Then I remembered, "Were they even born in 1987?" UH the answer is a resounding no.

PICC insertion

So I have had this thing over 5 months and I have NEVER thought even to youtube it to see what it looks like when they do it. Warning if you are easily disgusted .. do not watch. This young girl also has Lyme Disease and she posted her video so that her Dad who was in Iraq could see what happened to her. ..



So that's what they did to me .. pretty much. I had on sterile head thing and wasn't allowed to look until it was over. Also had something covering my mouth so I wouldn't breathe my germy air in the sterile room.

no longer miserable

So this picture right here: got me to thinking. Hold that thought. First I must explain that this was in a series of shots that my coworker and I took. This was the third shot and at this point we were laughing quite hard. Now back to my thinking which won't be a very long thought at all. The words to describe said actual thinking will be longer than the actual thought itself. :)

In the past I cried almost every day. I rarely laughed and I certainly didn't do anything silly. I have come to realize that in the last year ... I have come to laugh more, smile more and I am truly happy. :0) Just thought I'd share.

What's more ... I keep finding old friends that I just absolutely love. :o) Can't believe they remember me. I wonder if they remember me as Sad Jennifer .. Just Jennifer .. or Happy Jennifer. Hopefully a wonderful combination of the above. Best Christmas present ever is finding my friends from Elementary School. :o)

Love is (pt 3)

• High School Lessons

* Love is falling in love with person you least expect and not saying a word until it is too late (10th grade)
* Love is playing a special song at the Skateeum just because you know your best friend loves it.
* Love is keeping someone alive (10th and 12th grade)
* Love is going around the long way around to classes just because you want to catch a glimpse of someone special.
* Love is not getting mad at someone when they puke on you.
* Love is liking someone no matter how they dress (IE Green Sweat Pants & Blue Glasses)

College Lessons

* Love is sending a card to someone. (freshmen year)
* Love is being the only person to show up at a friend's door step when they come home from college (freshmen year)
* Love is holding someone's hand during a seizure. (sophomore - what a funny looking word)
*Love is spending time with the one person that you like even though others don't (Junior Year)
* Love is walking someone back to their room on a daily basis even after you've broken up. (junior year)
* Love is giving hugs to someone you barely know because they are crying.
* Love is giving up the last cheese stick just because you know the other person loves cheese just as much as you do. (senior year)
* If you love someone, don't take them to Subway on a Sunday. (long story - fresh, soph and junior year lesson)
* True love is going to a wedding and realizing you can't spend the rest of your life with the guy you love. (junior year)
* Love is turning down a marriage proposal when you know your parents can't stand the guy (freshman year)
* Love is when your Dad sings a song that has the word "dumb" in it when your ex walks into the restaurant where you are eating on your 21st birthday with your new boyfriend and family. Because of said song, you all go into laughing fits that cause coughing fits that cause you to have to go to the bathroom with peeing fits where you have to walk right by said exboyfriend with new boyfriend in hand.
* Love is buying Real Talkin Bubba Bear late at night because it is the only thing that has made her laugh in days. Turn me right side up (panicked voice). That wasn't such a good idea> I still have Bubba btw in the closet. That day Rob kept asking me what would make me feel better. I insisted that only Bubba would help and Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream. Well I don't know what time he went, but he left and went to go get Bubba and CCCDIC. When he returned ... I WAS ASLEEP. Better believe he woke my butt up. haa
* Love is going with the person you love to pick out fashionable glasses or at least some with a little more style than blue or purple frames. :)

Since College Lessons:

* Love is telling someone you love their haircut even when it looks ridiculous (and telling them ten years later that it looked something dreadful upon seeing a picture of said hairstyle).
* Love is flying your future cousin in law first class for the wedding knowing how important it was that she be there.
* Love is fighting with doctors to get a diagnosis other than "it's in her head."
* Love is sending a Christmas Tree to someone you don't know just because you know it will make her day.
* Love making phone calls to important people and telling them how much you love them.
* Love is pulling off a tag on an Angel Tree. Going to the store to buy a car seat for the child on the angel tree and when you go to another store you find the same car seat for much much cheaper ... instead of returning the first car seat .. going back to the Angel Tree and finding another tag that needs a Car Seat.
* Love is putting your life on the line to have a baby that God wants you to have (Nate & Tricia -- now that is love)
* Love is finding old friends and making them new again.
* Love is picking up a friend from a treatment and basically carrying them into their house because they can't walk straight.
* Love is Life; Life is Love; I love all of you reading this.

The Greatest Gift is LOVE.

For all my Love Lesson Teachers: I loved you then and I love you now. Not only for who you are, but for who I was when I was with you. I love you for teaching me so many love lessons.
I had no idea how much you all meant to me then. I do now. Please know that if I knew then what I know now, I would have shared so much more with you. I would have come out of my shell a little earlier and loved a lot more. For now all of you are the beneficiary of all my life lessons. And on one last note, as my friend from elementary school once said to me, "Love is wrapping your arms around another person's neck and not wanting to let go." I would wrap my arms around every single person I know and not let go. For that is truly what love is.

Love is (pt 2)

I moved in between 6th and 7th grade year. It was a tough couple of years for me, but I learned some lessons of love. :)

Middle School Lessons

• Love is living each day like it's your last (7th grade)
• Love is writing notes and leaving them in a locker even if you know that person doesn't like you back (7th grade)
• Love is a boy carrying a girl into the girl's bathroom after she (aka me) was kicked in the nose by said boy (7th grade)
  
• Love can be found in patches of 4th leaf clovers
  
• Love is not noticing the little things even though you should (raise your hand if you know I don't have my ears pierced. Apparently not my best friend in 7th grade .. she gave me an earring stand for my earrings in 10th grade after we had known each other almost four years).
  
• Love is missing the friends that you loved in elementary school. This missing happened every day in 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th grade. Then it diminished from there, but they are always in my heart.
  
• Love is telling someone their new glasses look awesome when they are about as dweeby as they come (8th grade)

Love is

Life Lessons on Love that I have learned over the last 32 years. Oddly enough, I learned most of them in elementary school.

Elementary School Lessons:

• True love is pushing someone on the swing sets even in really really cold weather (Kindergarten)
• Love can be found in the honey part of the honeysuckle. (1st grade)
• When you love someone, you open up their ketchup packets for them when they can't. (1st grade).
• Love is giving someone your last Green M&M because they know it makes you run faster to get to their house (2nd grade)
• Love is asking the teacher if your friend can sit in the front row because she's short after realizing she couldn't see the chalkboard because see couldn't see that far away.
• When you love someone, you must allow them to hear you sing out loud at least once. (1985 - We Are The World)
• Love is sharing the very last pancake at church (3rd grade)
• Love is the feeling of the wind going through your hair when you're going down a very rusty slide in your Sunday best. Hate is landing in the mud puddle at the bottom of the slide. :) Ooops. (4th grade)
• Love is removing an Easter Egg out of it's hiding place 2 months after Easter. (4th grade)
  
• Love is painting your girl's room blue ... Carolina blue. (again don't remember, but boy it was pretty).
• When you truly love someone, give them bubble gum machine rings (5th grade)
• Love is sharing your 'Now & Laters' right NOW instead of waiting for Later. (5th grade)
  
• Love is wrapping up a friend's birthday present in "nesting boxes" so that she has to open up 10 packages before getting to the actual gift (5th or 6th grade)
• Love is not freezing your best friend's bra at an over night sleep over (6th grade)
• Love is wrapping your arms around another person's neck and not wanting to let go (6th grade)
• Love is asking "Will you go out with me?" and even when the person says "we're already out," they say it louder ... "NO will you go OUT with me?" (6th grade)
• Love is inviting a girl to a dance and not yelling at her when she is too shy to do what they were there for ... dance. (um don't remember which year this was er maybe 5th or 6th)
  
• Love is holding onto the front bumper of your car after it is being hurled into oncoming traffic of a very busy highway because somehow someway the little brother in the car made it start going backwards. Thanks Dad :)
  
• Love is cutting up an old bridesmaid dress to add in a crotch to a dance costume that is way too small (wanna know the story to this one? I believe my 6th grade year of dance our costumes all came in way too small. Mine went below my chest so my mom cut up one of her dresses and cut through the crotch of my dance costume. She then sewed in another crotch so that my dance costume would fit). Thanks Mom. :)
• Love is searching for a very special acorn for your friend, giving it to her and telling her not to throw it away because it would connect you forever. True love is still having that acorn at 32. (but my bad memory can't remember who gave it to me - if you read this and you gave me that acorn ... I still have it in my jewelry box from when I was a kid along with a bunch of bubblegum rings)
  
• Love is hiding in your best friend's attic in order not to move away.
  

Next Edition of Love: Middle School Lessons.

5 months ago

I've had my PICC line for five months today. I thought my PICC and I would only be together for a month or two. I've been to the hospital with it once and had several prescriptions written for it to be x-rayed. Fortunately I only had to go back to Rex the one time and they "fixed" the problem.

I am hoping to be able to end this PICC by my birthday, but who knows what God has in store. It's in January that I go for the Chelation Challenge. If my Chelation challenge shows that I have a lot of heavy metals, then I will need vein access more often than a regular IV can give. If my Chelation Challenge shows that I only have a little bit or no heavy metal toxicity, then I can give up my PICC.

I am content with either option as long as Priscilla the PICC stays happy. :)

*lost track of time* said 4 months originally, but DUH July 17 to December 17th is 5 months. (You might be a lymie if)

*tomorrow begins my 3 day post on Love.

A concert

Tonight, I went to a concert. What what you say? Nah not that kind of concert. You should know me by now. I don't do loud noises, light shows and crowds. I went to my Dad's Christmas Concert. I don't go every year because I always seem to have something to do. But this year, I found out the date in advance.

With any luck, Dad will have pulled his 7th and 8th grade students together and they will play my absolute favorite Christmas tune called Santa and the Symphony. It mixes Christmas carols with classical pieces. It's awesome. :)



No This is not my Dad's band nor is that my Dad. :) I just wanted you guys to hear my FAVORITE CHRISTMAS PIECE EVER. :)

P.S>

I just got back. They did as good of a job as they could. :) I enjoyed myself.

a tiny cold

About a week ago, I was exposed to three major illnesses. I knew that the liklihood that I'd wind up with some form of these was significantly high, but hoped and prayed that they would not come to fruition. Here it is 9 days before Christmas and I wake up with (TMI) the snots and the sore throat. I also have a cough. If this cold goes in the same directions as any other cold I've ever had in the last 4 years, I will be hoarse by Christmas. What a present for my husband.

Please pray that the treatment I had on Saturday will continue to work it's magic and I will not become so sick that I have to "skip" Christmas. I feel GREAT, but my nose and throat and cough. :( Not so happy about that. I have been feeling the 'tickle' in my throat since Thursday or Friday, but the cough didn't start until yesterday ... woke up with the nasty green nose (At least it's Christmas Colors) today and well it seems that fate always has me sick on something I'm really looking forward to *which you'll hear all about tonight*

I'll survive. Always do.

Pure Exhausted

Nothing much to say today except that I am pure exhausted. I stayed up way too late watching Survivor and Survivor Reunion show last night. I was ecstatic when Bob won not only the million dollars, but the Sprint Favorite Player $100,000 prize too.

Since my treatment on Saturday, I have noticed that I have a severe headache. I am sure it is just what we Lymies call a "die off reaction," but since I haven't had a massive headache since like July .. it is a bit depressing. :o( Pray that it ends quickly.

10 days till Christmas. :o) I will definately have to get up pictures of my decorations soon. Praise God that I was able to decorate this year. :=)

Good day to all and to all a good night. :}

Nov 14, 2007

* I am awake and alive after my treatment yesterday. I did sleep through the worst of it. :) Praise God for that. I've taken a few little naps today and gotten some laundry done. I am still having major ear problems, some body swelling, some muscle twitches, some bad headaches, but other than that ... doing pretty good.

*Regularly scheduled post may commence now*

Exactly 13 months ago: this is how I was feeling. I can't believe how much things have changed in 13 months. I am so glad I was feeling ready to take control, but hard to believe that it took 6 months to actually take control after this was posted in Nov. 07.

Health Update Part Deux
Current mood: drained

It's a little disappointing and discouraging to find out instead of marching forward in this fight against tick borne illnesses, I am marching backwards. I've done my crying and now it's time to do my fighting. I will beat this thing and I will not let it take control of my life anymore. Don't quote me on that though because my "mood" might change quickly.

The short version is that I am going on two additional antibiotics while removing one of the antibiotics that I have been taking. I will also add a few supplements that should aid in rising my cortisol levels which are extremely low. The probability that someone with Lyme Disease has other tick borne illnesses are extremely high. I knew that already. Now I have been clinically diagnosed with Babesia and the new antibiotics I have been told are geared to treat Bartonella. So that's the short version.

I talked to three people yesterday after I found out all of this. Two were saying "You can do this" and the third spent two hours on AIM making me laugh just so that I could forget about the diagnosis for while. I thank all three of you because if it weren't for the three of you ... I would not be smiling right now.

AMT Treatment

For some reason , I scheduled my treatment on a Saturday. I could have been at a Christmas party today or even a UNC basketball game or even a Christmas Carole. Instead, I chose to give up my Saturday for this treatment.

I start the treatment 9:30 North Carolina time. It will probably end Noon and I will be out of it for the rest of the day and into tomorrow. It will make symptoms come out that I have been struggling with the past few days (coughing, sweating, ear problems, visual perception problems, and problems that I haven't had in 8 weeks .. like dizziness, drooling, difficulty swallowing, overall unwell feeling).

Please may God have mercy on my body today and that I don't have to suffer long. Also sleeping through the bad feeling is better for me so pray that I sleep through the worst part.

Thanks

My last treatment

It's been 5 weeks and 4 days since my last treatment. It's been 5 weeks and 4 days since my car was smashed. I don't know if I've told this story, but it was the day after I returned from my Western Carolina trip. I scheduled one of my treatments because I needed it then and also to give me a chance to rest from the trip.

My husband always drives me to my treatments because I am unable to function after the treatments. Well, I was waiting for my treatment to get started and my husband walks back into the room. I was shocked to see him, but thought maybe I had accidentally grabbed his phone or something on the way out. Though it had been 30 minutes or more since he had dropped me off.

Turns out, my baby .. my Carolina blue baby .. my beautiful car has been in an accident. He was driving when a fire truck came blazing (no pun intended) through a red light and my husband was forced to slam on brakes. Well the truck behind him did the best he could, but the man was unable to stop. It took 21 days for the people to fix my car. I was without my beautiful Carolina beauty for 21 whole days. It's not fixed all the way so it will have to go back.

That's why I never blogged on my last AMT treatment. I was so depressed about my car that I couldn't think about blogging about my treatment.

In any case, last visit with my LLMD .. I was given instructions to wait 6 weeks until my next treatment. Fortunately the "about 6 week" mark was coinciding with a Saturday they were open. So this treatment will be on a Saturday. It will give me two full days to get over the really bad feelings they give me.

After this treatment, I get to wait a whole EIGHT WEEKS. I am psyched about that. My other treatments are spreading out too. about 3 to 4 weeks on High Vitamin C and teh same on the Glutathione. I'm splitting the difference so that I am getting a treatment of some sort almost every week so that the PICC line is being used. So like I think my plan for next round will be .. AMT, skip a week, Glut, skip a week, High C, skip a week, Glut, skip 2 weeks, AMT. :D AND the heavy metal chelation challege will be in there somewhere.

favorite things 3

Maybe I'll get a post with pictures of my favorite snowmen in the house. :)

It all started with a simple ornament purchased in 1999. It was the first Christmas after I graduated and before I married my husband. I can't find the exact ornament online, but it was a Snowbuddies ornament where the "huge snowbuddy" is holding a "small snowman." I thought it fit us and we bought it to go on our Christmas Tree. Thus begun the collection of snowmen.

Each year friends and family would add to the collection of snowmen. Until two years ago when Rob said 'ENOUGH WITH THE SNOWMEN ALREADY OUR HOUSE IS FULL.' I began to look around and realized that I had snowmen EVERYWHERE. Some are blue & white like the snowbuddies below, some are clear, some are the S'mores snowmen,, some are stuffed, some are on picture frames, some are on plates, some are on the fridge, some are the head of a cookie jar , and there are some filling the living room and kitchen. I even have one on the PORCH. :) I have a huge one that lights up that I received when I left one of my jobs and I even have one that has two addictions in one .. that's right .. I have a snowman that has UNC on it.

I love my snowmen and occasionally I'll get a gift involving a snowman. I can see my husband rolling his eyes, but he knows that my eyes light up every time I see one of these cute little things.

favorite things 2

My addictions: Part 2

I used to work in a retail store. While I was there, I met the most delightful woman. She was extremely sweet and made my transition to working at the store seamless. After we got to know each other, we found out that she had a daughter that was exactly one year older than me. We also discovered that her daughter & I had a lot in common. I also discovered that my new friend had cancer. I watched her go about her daily busy with little struggles. She wore a beautiful wig that I never would have guessed was a wig. I didn't even realize it until one day the wig was on my cash register.

Well we bought each other inspirational gifts. One time for my birthday she bought me a beautiful angel. It played the song You Light up my Life. It was perfect. I saved the card that she wrote on and displayed the angels beautifully on my DVD rack (another addiction of mine)
Well sadly in September a couple of years ago, my friend Eva lost her battle with cancer. I immediately had to do something for myself and for her daughter. I wanted to send her daughter a reminder of her mother so I got online and searched. I searched and searched until I found this:



Can you guess what this little beauties name is? Eva. Can you guess what else is important about this little beauty? A number of years ago, the woman that created these angels also had the same form of cancer as my friend Eva. She created a series for birth months. One of those was this one: September .. named Eva. Mine is a bit different than the one above, but it has the same sentiment. It says "May we never lose sight of what's really important to us. To love and be loved is the greatest Joy on Earth."

I bought two that day. I sent one to Eva's daughter to give to Eva's Granddaughter once she was old enough to understand how to care for such a delicate item. I also bought one for myself. With this second purchase of "Sarah's Angels," I became addicted to angels. I purchased 2 more Sarah's angels for myself and received last year another kind of beauty from my mother. Though I don't have a "full collection" of Angels ... they each hold a dear place in my heart.

I miss Eva so much and wish she could have been here to see me through this journey. She's in my heart and in the hearts of people that knew her though.

Favorite things

My addictions: I may end up writing other posts about addictions that I have, but for now this one little post will do.

This year I've already purchased 3 of them. And right now, I am wearing one of them. So comfy and warm and .. I just love them. I have different styles of them. If you look in my chest of drawers, there is a drawer dedicated just for these. I have a variety of colors, but mainly blue and pink.

Hi My name is Jennifer and I am addicted to Pajama Bottoms. Good news is that after about 2 or 3 years, the tops of the pants get all raveled and I *have* to get new ones. :) This year I bought 3 new ones and had to sadly throw away 3 of my favorites because they were pretty much destroyed. I wear them all year long. Right now I'm wearing a pink pair. I tried to find them online, but no such luck.

You may ask where the addiction comes from. Most Lymies can understand the need to be comfortable. So a few years ago, I requested pajama bottoms for Christmas. I received 2 or 3 from my parents, 2 or 3 from my husband, 2 or 3 from my Mother in Law, a pair or two from other people. Next thing I know I have a drawer full. I love each and every pair. I wear them when I'm at home and not going to go anywhere .. and also to sleep in. :) Here for your viewing pleasure is my latest purchase.

Guest Blog pt 2

I read this a bit ago and found it very interesting. So with permission from Renee (the author), I am going to copy it right here for all of my reader's (all 6 of you).

Spirochetes: The Internal Terrorists by Renee

While trying to rest this morning, I found myself thinking about a book I am reading on lyme disease. Some of the information is new to me and sobering to say the least. After reading about the spirochetes and their patterns, it came to me that the spirochetes are a lot like terrorists. I expect this analogy presented itself now because of the recent terrorist attacks in India.....

Terrorist's are patient~~ they methodically and systematically plan and execute their attacks hoping to cause horrible damage and destruction. They are able to hide in places where we cannot find them and adapt to a new environment. They are also very good at disguising themselves. Terrorists show no mercy and will kill any man, woman, child, or animals ~ whoever gets in their way. They have one focus...death and destruction. They are evil.

Everything I just wrote also describes the Lyme bacteria that lives inside of those of us with Lyme Disease. The spirochetes also are patient in their slow reproduction cycle. They systematically execute attacks on every area inside our bodies and cause horrible damage and destruction. Spirochetes are able to hide in places where we cannot find them and are very good at adpating inside our bodies. They are also good at disguising themselves and hiding from antibiotics and other treatments that try to search them out and destroy them. Spirochetes show us no mercy and will destroy any man, woman, child, or animal. They have one focus...as they keep reproducing inside of us their goal is to cause major damage and destruction. They can kill. They are evil!

Blessings overfow

Today I got to meet the lady in charge of helping the family I spoke about on the 4th. We gathered in her dining room to put together a game plan for the children's Christmas. Even a week ago, they were told they would not have a Christmas. In a week's time, their mortgage has been caught up ... their electricity paid up .. the local sprint store donated 6 months worth of service for them .. and gift cards for grocery stores and the generosity of everyone has been amazing.

They have so much non-perishables that they are completely overwhelmed and don't know where to put it all.

I was blessed to be around compassionate people today. What a blessing.

We split up the wish list for the children and my new friend will pass on the word to those that still want to help about other things that the children are wanting.

We're having a huge "wrapping party" (not to be confused with a rapping party) right before Christmas and I am looking forward to it.

13 months ago

Here is my blog from myspace from 13 months ago today. Wow.

Last few weeks
Current mood: Rebellious

My last few weeks have been weeks of highs and lows. I don't understand how one day can be so fantastic and the next you can feel like you've been hit by an 18 wheeler. Lyme disease is so damaging to so many things, but I think mainly my ability to have fun has been drastically altered. I've never been one to stay up late or go to ball games or trips or ballets or anything that remotely resembles fun, but the fact that I have been stripped of the possibility of fun has taken a toll. So I am doing what I must: I am rebelling. Rebelling against my meds. Rebelling against my body. Rebelling against my spirit. My spirit will not break. You can't break what's already broken.

The last few days I have woken up nearly every morning at 3am "worshiping" the toilet. Then I have to go be at work by 6:30 and try to pretend that everything is just hunky dory. I spent all day in bed on Sunday because I rebelled against my meds and went to the Carolina basketball game to watch us win and then stayed out way too late eating dinner. Of course the dinner didn't set well and I wound up back in the bathroom again at 3am. My legs felt like someone twisted the meat right off the bone and my stomach was just about as empty as it has ever been. There is no way to put into words the amount of pain I was in on Sunday. Going on and off of antibiotics that make me feel so unbelievably bad inside. The rebellion was nice, but what did it accomplish? Another few days of Hell and now that I'm back on track ... I'll be back in the bathroom because the antibiotics make me feel so gross.

My first ever UNC basketball game was awesome. Almost everything was perfect. Ignoring the fact that my entire body was killing me and the smell of the lady wearing what appeared to be an entire bottle of perfume was gagging me, I actually had a pretty good time.

Rebelling the evil spirit of pain, I have made plans to go to the ballet near Thanksgiving and a trip to Western Carolina in a week or so. I'm pretty stoked to be doing things that are fun for once, but hoping and praying that maybe I'll be able to not be sick or be punished for actually having excitement in my life.

It could be worse. Rebellion. I will rebel, but not so that it puts my life in jeopardy. I will go and dutifully take my 7:15pm round of antibiotics so that in about two hours I will begin to feel nauseated and two hours after that my stomach will begin to churn and I'll finally feel better after one hour of vomiting. I know TMI, but live in my world for one day ... your spirit would have been broken long before now. I want to be awaken from this nightmare. Maybe one of these days, I'll wake up and realize the last 12 years of my life have been one gigantic nightmare and it will be 1995 again.

What would you have done differently? I would have demanded answers 12 years ago to my health problems.

Imagine my surprise

Apparently my dear friend Alice nominated me for this award. Upon clicking the picture above, you will be able to go to the original link of the award. The owner of said award began by choosing 5 of his favorite blogs to be nominated. They in turn have chosen 5 blogs. So on and so forth.

Here are the rules for the blog:

• Each Superior Scribbler must in turn pass The Award on to 5 most-deserving Bloggy Friends.
• Each Superior Scribbler must link to the author & the name of the blog from whom he/she has received The Award.
• Each Superior Scribbler must display The Award on his/her blog, and link to This Post, which explains The Award.
• Each Blogger who wins The Superior Scribbler Award must visit this post and add his/her name to the Mr. Linky List. That way, we'll be able to keep up-to-date on everyone who receives This Prestigious Honor!
• Each Superior Scribbler must post these rules on his/her blog.

I have done number 2, 3, and 5 already. Cue funky dance music now: (insert song of choice in your head now).

• Cat is a friend of mine online only. She also struggles with Lyme Disease. She started her blog in September shortly after I began mine as apparently I inspired her to do so. :) Cat doesn't post as much as I do, but she is extremely sick. If you want to know her whole story click right here.
• Adam & Aimee Freeman are an extremely special family. No blog list would be complete without them. Adam and Aimee have three beautiful children. The little boy is 7 and one of the little girls is 9. Their third beautiful child is still in the hospital. She was born a micropreemie right at a pound. She's undergone several surgeries including a major heart surgery. They are selling pink bracelets for 5 dollars each hoping that blog readers will purchase and take a photo of themselves wearing the bracelet. They want a full album of pictures showing Kayleigh when she's older how many people prayed for her. Adam is also writing a book about their experiences. Here is a link to the Kayleigh's 5 month old blog post.
• Renee is another Lymie. Instead of the usual story of me finding her, she somehow found me. She loves to write and in fact her Lyme Disease has stripped her from her Editor role at a newspaper. Now for her own personal therapy and for fun, she writes on a blog.
  
• Missy is one of my REAL LIFE FRIENDS. I used to work with Missy when we both worked in retail. She was working there only to make some money while she was in school. I was there to learn something about myself and to make some money. Missy is only beginning her blog. She's a graphic designer and does beautiful work. She once did a log for an online group I created.
  
• And since Nate, Bree, and Alice have already been nominated, I will spread the wealth to another family. I am not for sure how I found this blog, but it is quite inspirational. Matt and Susie get married. Shortly later, Susie is pregnant and gives birth to beautiful baby girl. Shortly later, Susie gets pregnant again. Only this isn't a normal pregnancy. Susie is pregnant with a very special boy. Joshua: Be Strong and Courageous is a blog on Susie's experiences about her pregnancy, delivery and raising a special boy that has an encephalocele. After 67 days and 7 extra hours, Joshua was promoted to Heaven. At the end of September, Susie announced that she is pregnant again. She recently found out she's having another girl.
  

Now let's go back to the rules. Now are all done except to post on the Mr. Linky. Let me run and do that after I hit "Post."

Thanks Alice. :)

Bio Lab update

Remember this post on Plum Island and Biolabs in Butner North Carolina? Well I was reading on WRAL.com and apparently North Carolina has lost their bid for the Biolab.

My prayers have been answered. According to WRAL, the Biolab will be built in Kansas. Please pray for the folks of Kansas. They will need it.

Tis the season (pt 2)

At the end of one of my blogs I wrote this:

"So am I a wealthy person? Do I have the latest and greatest of things in my home? Compared to some that live in the area ... No I do not. Compared to others ... Yes I do. But am I wealthy? Do I have an abundance of things in my heart in which a price can not be determined? Yes I do. Can people (IE the bank) take these things from me? No they can't. I have a wealth of beautiful memories that no one can take. I have a wealth of friends, laughter, happiness, compassion and knowledge. So today ... I thank God that I am wealthy. My prayer is that all of you can be wealthy too."

I bolded one word that I'd like to mention today. I believe compassion has to be taught at an early age because compassion is engraved into your soul and heart. That's not something that I believe can be added much later in life. Are their exceptions to this rule? Sure there are, but I believe those are few and far between.

I belong to this forum for the small town where I live. On occasion, a member of the forum will post a need of member of the community (whether that family knows it or not). In the past, I have looked at these needs and wanted to do something. I truly felt a desire to alleviate their suffering. However something always gave way to not really be able to help in a manner that I thought sufficient. I thought if I can't do a huge gesture why do anything.

This year my goal was to make myself smile more and to do something extraordinary. I am so fortunate and so wealthy in so many ways. A few days ago, I heard about a family in our community. This family is a good Christian family that goes out of their way to help others in the community. In this last year, they have been hit with tragedy after tragedy and yet kept it hidden from most they knew.

Fortunately someone that knows them got wind of all of this and poured out a request that members of the forum help this family. Rob and I knew we had to do something. I won't share the specifics of what we are planning to do, but know that this family will now be able to keep their home. This is a family where the father must undergo Brain surgery on the 10th and both Mom and Dad lost their jobs. They have three children between the ages of 8 and 14. Their children know that Christmas can not happen this year. Until Tuesday, they thought their electricity would be turned off today. Until Tuesday, they thought they would be losing their home shortly.

The outpouring of love that the community has shown has been a bit overwhelming for this family. I know they appreciate every act of kindness no matter how large or small. I am so glad that I had the "wealth of compassion" to be able to share and while I give a gift to someone else ... it is they that gave me a gift. Please pray for this family. If you wish to lend a helping hand, contact me in the comment section and I can get you in touch with the person lining up the help for this family.

2 Corinthians 9:15

Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift.

Edited: I received word that their mortgage has been paid up through the end of December. What a blessing for this family.

Tis the Season

I will share a verse that came to my heart yesterday as I found out about a family that has a time of need.

2 Corinthians 9:6 to 15

Verse 6: My point is this: The person who sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and the person who sows generously will also reap generously.

Verse 7: Each one of you should give just as he has decided in his heart or under compulsion, because God loves a cheerful giver.

Verse 8: and God is able to make all grace overflow to you so that because you have enough of everything in every way at all times, you will overflow in every good work.

Verse 9: Just as it is written, "He has scattered widely, he has given to the poor; his righteousness remains forever."

Verse 10: Now God who provides seed for the sower and bread for the food will provide and multiply your supply of seed and will cause the harvest of your righteousness to grow.

Verse 11: You will be enriched in every way so that you may be generous on every occasion, which is producing through us thanksgiving to God,

Verse 12: because the service of this ministry is not only providing for the needs of saints, but is also overflowing with many thanks to God.

Verse 13: Through the evidence of this service, they will glorify God because of your obedience to your confession in the gospel of Christ adn the generosity of your sharing with them and with everyone.

Verse 14: And in their prayers on your behalf they long for you because of the extraordinary grace God has shown to you.

Verse 15: Thanks be to God for his indescrible gift!

We Are The World

I've been thinking about memories of the past. I remember singing this on my little ugly offwhite/orange/yellow/brown swing set in the background with my neighbor Jimmy.







There comes a time
When we head a certain call
When the world must come together as one
There are people dying
And it's time to lend a hand to life
The greatest gift of all

We can't go on
Pretending day by day
That someone, somewhere will soon make a change
We are all a part of
God's great big family
And the truth, you know love is all we need

[Chorus]
We are the world
We are the children
We are the ones who make a brighter day
So let's start giving
There's a choice we're making
We're saving our own lives
It's true we'll make a better day
Just you and me

Send them your heart
So they'll know that someone cares
And their lives will be stronger and free
As God has shown us by turning stone to bread
So we all must lend a helping hand

[Chorus]
We are the world
We are the children
We are the ones who make a brighter day
So let's start giving
There's a choice we're making
We're saving our own lives
It's true we'll make a better day
Just you and me

When you're down and out
There seems no hope at all
But if you just believe
There's no way we can fall
Well, well, well, well, let us realize
That a change will only come
When we stand together as one

[Chorus]
We are the world
We are the children
We are the ones who make a brighter day
So let's start giving
There's a choice we're making
We're saving our own lives
It's true we'll make a better day
Just you and me

Guest Blogger

Today's blog is brought to you by my husband. He wrote this shortly after we went to see Under Our Skin. Leave it to a man to compare a doctor to a mechanic. :)


Do you wonder what the differences are between a Standard Doctor and an Integrative Medical Doctor? Here is a quick example to show the differences. This is based on my observations while trying to find treatments for my wife and shows what a Doctor would do if he were an auto mechanic. Unfortunately as funny as this sounds it is a true story.

Scenario:

You decide to go on vacation. You take your car to the dealer once every six months so they keep it maintained and alert you to any thing that seems wrong or out of place. Because of this you know that overall your vehicle is in good shape even though it has 75,000 miles. You fill your gas tank and head out for your trip. Later on as you are driving the engine cuts off and strands you on the side of the road.

Standard Doctor's Diagnosis:
You tell the Doctor that you think you may have run out of gas. The Doctor spends 15 minutes looking at the gas gauge, the one accepted method of telling gas level and says your gas tank is full so that isn't the problem. He then collects his fee and sends you to a Doctor who specializes in transmissions.

That Doctor spends 15 minutes looking at your transmission and says your transmission is fine and collects his fee. You tell him that your gas gauge shows full but you think you are out of gas. He replies "That shouldn't happen," collects his fee and sends you to a Doctor who specializes in On Board Computers.

This Doctor actually spends 30 minutes talking to you. Again you mention that you think you maybe out of gas and he replies that he doesn't think that is your problem since the guage shows full. Just to make sure your computer is functioning, he pulls out test equipment and starts jabbing probes deep into your cars wiring and On Board Computer, but all the tests show the computer is good.

Since your problem is 'not moving,' he attaches a horse to the front of your vehicle, collects his fee and sends you on your way. You are now moving, but still not as fast as you ought to be and you just don't feel like this is the right fix. After you complain on your next visit, which by the way only lasts 15 minutes, he again reassures you that your gauge is right and you are not out of gas. He then sends you to an auto detail shop. You don't understand why and when you ask about it he tells you that the problem isn't your car, but is instead the fact that you think the car is bad. He feels that with a little 'cleaning up' your car will look better to you and everything will be ok.



Integrative Medicine Doctor:
After getting fed up from the above you decide, on your friend's advice, to visit a different Doctor. This doctor spends two hours asking questions about everything that has ever happened to your car and listens to exactly what situation led up to the engine cutting off. He then explains all the possible things that may have happened and theorizes that since you had driven 500 miles after filling up that maybe your gauge is broken. He removes the horse, assures you that the car looks fine and that you are not just thinking it looks bad when it doesn't.
He then decides that a quick test is to add gas so he gasses up the car and it starts. He then replaces your gas gauge and everything now works fine.

You drive home and submit all your bills to the company that handles your extended warranty. They pay the bills for the Doctors who didn't fix anything and then deny the bills from the Doctor who fixed your problem because he used an unapproved screwdriver to fix the gauge.