Lyme Kills II

I wrote yesterday that I would share what I wrote in the chamber. Here it is.

Lyme Disease Kills. It dashes hopes and dreams of the innocent. When I graduated from High School, I had great expectations that college would open up an entire new world for me to be someone different. Then, it happened. A few weeks prior to commencing college a radioactive tick bit me. Okay Okay, there was no radioactivity, but soon my body and mind came to a crashing halt. Lyme killed my ambition, my love for a phenomenal novel and my quiet nature. Lyme Disease kills.

Ironically, I was someone different in college. I was hurt and angry and sick. And no one would listen. Okay Okay, some listened, but they weren't the ones that could do anything about it. In fact, they could do nothing except for clean the blood from my head when I ran into something yet again, remind me to breathe after a seizure, hold my hair back while I vomited or hold my soda for me while I tried to sip. Sometimes, they held a straw in my mouth and dropped bits of soda into my mouth. I felt, at times, a bit like a bird -- helpless and wounded. There were times when I was so weak, I couldn't eat. Not being able to eat made me weaker. It was a vicious cycle. Lyme Disease kills.

In the end, I had to fight for myself. I had to fight for what was rightfully mine - the right to an education - Advisers were against me. Professors were against me. Doctors were against me. People I didn't even know well were against me. Here I am again. Fighting for myself. Fighting for an education. If I didn't fight for myself, who would? There are a whole slew of folks that would fight for me, but no one fights better for me than me.

I will admit that I am in a whole lot better place now than I was so many years ago. I have several people at the school that are working for me and I haven't met the professor yet, but if she's anything like the EDU adviser -- she'll be in my corner too. They know nothing about Lyme. They don't know I have health problems. I debate whether to mention it. I also have a phenomenal doctor on my side, a husband on my side, my family on my side and friends. Fantastic friends. Friends that know when I need a hug or a simple I love you.

Lyme may kill. Lyme may have killed my ambition, my hopes and my dreams before, but it will not kill me now. I will push through this. I will get through this again.


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As a post note: I got registered today for the classes I want to take in the spring. I'm so excited and can't wait to see how my brain holds up during the spring semester. My biggest concern is the timing. It's from 6pm to 8:50pm. I typically can't stay awake after 8pm. Even if my eyes are open, my brain is generally down. So pray that my brain and body will stay awake at one night a week from January until May. When I was taking classes in 2002, I got a 4.0. This was 5 years before my diagnosis. Here I am 4 1/2 years after diagnosis and we'll see if I can continue this 4.0 trend.

Reminder: Pens and Paper don't Feel

I wrote a message back in April of 2009. I thought I'd revisit it and edit it as something happened that made me remember this. No it wasn't on the blog.

*** first this is extremely long and I apologize for that, but God has placed something on my heart that I must share ****

I have to say that I have spent most of my life feeling as if I didn't belong. I grew up in a very small town where I had extremely close friends. Then my family uprooted us and moved. We did not move far, but it was far enough that I lost all of my friends due to our ages (between 6th and 7th grade) and distance. I lived a depressed life from 7th grade until 10th grade when I finally felt like I belonged to a group of people that liked me even if though I was different. However, I still spent most of the rest of my high school years extremely depressed. My best friend now saved my life then. He was not my best friend at the time, but I would not be the person I am now if God did not place him in my path then.

I have spent my life writing: writing journals, writing poetry, writing doodles, just writing. The poetry I read that I wrote in High School (and even college) are some of the most depressing pieces of works I have ever seen. I read them now and can go back to the same feelings I felt then. I hated the computer. The computer guru at college used to say "Oh no not her" when I'd come into the lab because within 15 minutes of me sitting at it .. the computer would die. I could never figure out how to turn a computer on much less write my college papers on them. I didn't belong at college. I had almost seizures daily and people made fun of me behind my back, but when I wrote ... I felt free.

I would sit in the chapel at church and write. Some letters, some poetry, anything to get the feelings out. I always felt better and not quite so alone after writing. It's like the pen & paper were my friends. It didn't matter what I wrote because they would never get mad, upset or offended. My writings never made the pen & paper jealous or happy or anything. The Pen & Paper didn't have feelings. No one ever read them and I suppose no one ever will, but when I read what I wrote circa the 90's it makes me cringe to see what was going through my noggin.

So once I became computer literate and unable to kill a computer in 15 minutes, it became crystal clear that I should write everything on the computer instead of in pen & paper. just write. That was my motto. I discovered emails, Instant Messenger, forums, myspace, facebook and eventually a world of blogging. It opened my eyes to a whole new world of writing. A world in which others could view my thoughts. On one hand, I felt glad to share my inner most thoughts to people that cared ... but on the other hand it made me very vulnerable. Pen & Paper could never get hurt. People on the other hand. They could be hurt by my inner most thoughts.

I knew I would be able to write my inner most thoughts and feelings in Lyme groups and people would understand. About the same time as I found those Lyme forums and groups, I found out about blogging. I thought that I would never blog because I didn't really want the world to read my inner most thoughts.

However I realized in September of 2008 that I had a lot to say. I could educate people who found my little piece of the world about Lyme Disease. The first comment I received from someone asking more about Lyme Disease made my heart feel good. My motto for my blog: Living life as full as I can with the skills that I have and the love I receive.

For now this is what is on my heart & soul. Pen & Paper don't get hurt, but people do.
Sometimes people say things that aren't intended to be hurtful and sometimes I write things that hurt others and it was not my intentions. I must first say that no one that has ever commented on this blog has EVER been hurtful. It was something else that happened elsewhere that produced this lengthy blog. Because when I hurt, I write. I write in journals, write poetry, write doodles, just write on my blog.

The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:28-31


P.S.

I need to remember that the people that truly know me love me and that it doesn't matter what someone that doesn't know me at all thinks because as a friend who loves me very much said a long time ago, "If people would really get to know you ... the real you, the you that I know, they'd love you as much as I do."

I just have to keep telling myself that.