Saturday, February 21, 2009

Two week post picc

So it has now been a whopping two weeks since my PICC line was pulled. That begs the question: How am I feeling? Since it was pulled I have felt a range of emotions. Fear, Joy, Happiness, Emptiness, Anxiety, Thrilled (to not have to have an umbrella for light rain). So many words can be used to describe the last two weeks.

Joy: It has been simply wonderful to be able to take a shower or bath whenever I want without having to run to my husband first for him to put on the Dry Pro PICC Line Cover. In fact, there are many days when I took two baths and showers just because I could. It has been Joyful to be able to hug my friends without fear of being hurt. It has been wonderful to touch my left ear with my right hand over my head. Now why on earth I'd want to do that .. I don't know, but the point is that I CAN!

Happiness: I am happy that I don't have to taste Saline & Heparin or feel the fluttery chest feeling when I am getting an infusion. I've not made the opportunity to spend the night somewhere, but if I did ... I wouldn't have to worry about lugging gloves, alcohol swabs & Heparin and finding a compassionate person that would be willing to do my nightly Heparin shots in the PICC Line.

Fear: What if I have a set back to which it was a mistake that it was pulled. What if it doesn't heal properly? What if ... Yes there were tons of What if's, but is it healing properly .. yes it is. In fact, the hole looks really really good. It almost looks as if there was never anything there to begin with. My biggest fear is the set-back one though. AND ... my blood work on Tuesday. For the first time since May, I'll have a needle going into my veins. I am scared. Go ahead call me a scaredy cat, but I had a tube in which they could draw blood any time they wanted. I never had to worry about passing out or pain b/c the blood draws never hurt. ON Tuesday .. it will hurt. I may pass out. :(

Emptiness: How can I express this ... My nightly ritual has become routine. It feels empty not to do the things I needed to sustain life. I feel empty not having a tube in my arm. It feels weird not having to restrict my movement or my weight lifting capacity. I was "pushing" something on the floor with my feet and arms the other day until I realized I could actually lift it up and not "fear" that I would pull out the tube. It felt weird .. and empty.

Anxiety: Goes hand and hand with fear. Basically I have severe anxiety about future blood draws/IV's and about back sliding. Also about a potential future PICC Line. What if .. there are those two little words that give anxiety every time ... What if I need another one in the future?

Mainly though ... I am THRILLED. I am thrilled to be able to do all the things I haven't been able to do. It is thrilling to be able to walk out in the rain without fear that I will hurt my PICC Line or even worse my body. I am thrilled that I can go hang out with people without fear that they will hit my arm and hurt my line ... I am thrilled to be able to go bowling if I want (and I will .. just haven't done it yet) and walk on the beach without fear and swim & hottubbing and .. I could go on and on with all the reasons I am thrilled that it is gone.

But, How am I doing?

I am doing okay. I had a rough couple of days last week that really scared me. On Sunday I woke up dizzy and miserable. I felt like I was in someone else's body from a year ago. I had a headache and my muscle twitches were off the hook. My "fear" was becoming reality. I was taking a step back. I woke up throwing up in my mouth what tasted like acid and it scared me. After taking a deep breath (or four), I went back to sleep. Monday was not good either. I felt very much unconnected to my body. I felt as if I wasn't really there. My eyes would glaze over and I'd forget where I was. I knew that if I felt like this by Wednesday I would have to call my doctor. Tuesday I woke up feeling a bit better, but I was still feeling dizzy and muscle twitching. By Wednesday this disconnection feeling was pretty much gone. So now here I am with pretty much the twitches. I haven't had another spell of throwing up acid and my headache isn't ther either.

So now .. I am doing okay. I go back on Tuesday for another MSA. THis will help determine which supplements I need to be on. I am almost certain I will restart Vitamin D, a Borrelia Series (a new one for me), OSR (a new one for me), Fiber stuff (old one for me), VER (old one for me), Adrenal Pep (old one for me) and a bunch of others including one for yeast. I haven't had a single supplement (except the Fiber stuff) in two whole weeks. What a weird feeling: a good feeling, but weird one none-the-less.

An update on me!


Renee said...

Hope all continues to go well for you Jennifer. It truly must be scary ~ I know just being off my meds for 6 days now has me anxious and wanting to go back on....
I appreciate your honest sharing here as we can all benefit from it.

Jennifer said...

I try to keep it real though sometimes it is scary to reveal the inner parts of Jennifer to the world.