Friday, February 13, 2009

Feeling Empty

I am going into this blog post knowing that it is going to sound completely crazy, but hoping that someone understands. I have been feeling a bit empty. This last week I have been alone. I feel like something is missing. I am doing the best I can and I know it's hormones. I know I'll feel better soon, but for now ... I feel empty.

All day I tried to be the opposite of how I felt. I spent all day singing this song:

I was being silly just trying to feel better, less empty.

I guess I never realized how much a part of my life the PICC had become. It's been 6 days since I took a shower with a cover. It's been 7 days since my husband put saline & heparin into my line and I coughed b/c I coughed EVERYTIME he put Heparin in my line. It's been 6 days since a tube went up my arm and into my heart.

My heart is empty. Why am I feeling like this? I think part of it is that I am scared for the future. Will my health stay as good as it has been? I think the other part is that my husband has to work all weekend. I try to pretend like it doesn't matter and that it doesn't hurt, but truth be told ... I prefer not to be alone, empty.

I will feel better tomorrow. I always do after I pour my heart out for the "world" to see. Tomorrow I may go to a WGI show and Sunday the plan is to go bowling with a co-worker.

That would be two more things off my list for post picc line activities. I think I'll feel better when I get them all done.

Here is the list:

1. Take a nice long shower without a picc line cover
2. Find a hot tub somewhere and enjoy it.
3. Swim in a pool.
4. Go Bowling.
5. Walk on the beach
6. Go to a Winterguard show! :o)
7. Spin a rifle. (Okay maybe not .. but it would be fun.)
8. Hug my friends without fear of being hurt
9. Sleep on my right side without hurting

I have done number 1, 8, and 9.

This weekend I plan to do 4 & 6. My husband is planning a small trip for us to the beach sometime in march so that I can do 2, 3 and 5. I probably won't be able to do number 7 unless I have an old one in the closet!

Anyone have any random fun ideas that can bring me out of the dumps? :o) Heck who knows .. I may even delete this message after it's up after a few days.


Renee said...

Sending hugs your way as you adjust to what's missing PICC line and your hubby being gone. It is hard to be alone, and I don't like it either.
Your list sounds fun....

Jennifer said...

Oddly enough my "arm" had a reaction last night. Had a huge welt and thought "oh no" and thought I was going to wind up at Dr. P's office anyway. I think that's the other thing that was missing: I did not see any body outside of work other than my hubby & best friend. Usually see Dr. P's office staff and nurses at least once during the week.