Thursday, June 10, 2010

Sharing my thoughts

The past few days I have been doodling my thoughts down on paper. I have been writing just to get the stuff out of my head. Before the internet and computer ages, this is what I would do if I had a spare moment. I really don't put pen to paper that often anymore, but this week I have been spending a lot of time writing things down.

I'm a little embarrassed because I think one of those papers I left on a desk at work. I hope I didn't, but I bet I did. EEKS. One thing that I wrote on Monday two days after I found out that my blood was not in desirable range. It was when I thought that I may have been actively bleeding for months. It was also two days after I realized that Lyme lives in me still and is just waiting to come out to play.

So without futher ado:

As a single tear plops down the side of my cheek, I realize I am teetering on the edge again. Borrelia burgdorferi bounces between the cells of my being and I wonder if my body is failing me again. I just know that Lyme is having a ball kicking around on the inside. My "friends" have taken up residence in every muscle, bone and cell. Not even one doctor has figured out how to serve an eviction notice to these guests that refuse to leave.

There are so many questions asked and very few answers given. You would think by now that the doctors and researchers would have the answer to the biggest question of all. How do you rid a patient's body of Borrelia burgdorferi? Each doctor struggles to provide their unique patient with a key to the quality of life. With the test of each blood droplet, I wonder if it will ever truly be gone. Will the mark of Lyme ever disappear from my body? Will my soul ever know life without Lyme?

Lyme keeps taking things away from me. It thrives on each breath I take and I ponder if it's better to understand this illness or keep on living in the darkness where the Borrelia lives. I feel my life spiraling out of control each passing day and yet feel gratitude each morning when my eyes reopen and I realize that I am awake again.

Even though Lyme has taken many things away, it has also provided me with the opportunity to appreciate every moment I have and take every chance I can to educate others about this devastating illness. Education is the key to the prevention of Lyme. If those with Lyme would speak out to others about the effects of this illness, then others would be aware that this exists.

3 comments:

Renee K said...

Jennifer

There are many of us sharing the same life experience as you, none of us wanted to. We need to mourn the loss of our other life every so often.

I know this will be with me the rest of my life, unknowingly it was with me for over 20 yrs and I survived.

There is a purpose for us and we are taking action trying to prevent others from the same fate.

And we are stronger because despite this illness which can totally destroy we have learned to manage it and still have a life. That is a major accomplishment !

Kara said...

Jennifer ~ I can totally identify with this. I have felt the same thing over and over. Each time, healing from the emotional pain it causes me in a different way and gaining new insights. Healing is truly an emotional journey as well as a physical one. We are learning and growing in all directions.

There is still a part of me that clings to the hope I will some day be rid of borellia. This hope keeps the realist in me somewhat pacified. But in my gut I know that, most likely lyme will always be there. However, the lyme will be along for the ride as opposed to taking me for a ride! I am in charge now and that is powerful.

Hope you are having a great Friday! {{hugs}} ~Kara

LymeFighter11 said...

Jennifer- Oh, okay, thanks, she would like that.
That's good that the screening was good. Thanks.