Friday, June 11, 2010

Another pen moment

On Thursday, I sat down and again put pen to paper.

I am feeling hesitation. I live in the state of doubt and uncertainty. Early this year, I tentatively thought that I had overcome the worst and yet was extremely hopeful that tomorrow would be better than the day before. At times others' expectations are higher than I can reach with my Borrelia filled body. Trying to be courageous, I push myself past my own limitations by cruising past my breaking point.

Because I have seen such good days, my own expectations are higher today than they were three years ago. It is not uncommon for me to hide the pain instead of exposing it for the world to see in moments of weakness. So the thought of becoming one with the ugly green chair in the communal IV room brings me dread. It's the knowledge that I would be confined to that chair by the IV's that sustain my life that terrifies me. I thought I was past the stage of Lyme where another person would see me at my weakest.

Even though it's difficult, I remember the days that I had to allow someone else to carry my lifeless body home and leave me there alone. Petrified by the thought I might not wake from my mini Benedryl coma, I would fight through the exhaustion to stay awake. Mr. Sandman always won that battle and I would drift off finally waking 12 hours later thankful to be alive.

I'm grateful that I've been IV free for over a year, but wish that I could extend this outcome a little further out. In a way, I got my wish when my first treatment was postponed. Knowledge is power. I know pretty much what will happen and I know that by two or three days after this treatment that I will feel so much better. I don't think this will happen, I expect it will. Like I said, my own expectations are higher.

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