Nov 6 2007

Since I have been feeling somewhat down, I thought I would remind myself what my life was like before. I've reposted this once already (back in Dec. of 08). It has now been 17 months since I wrote this on myspace. I'm highlighting some interesting lines (different lines than were highlighted in December).

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Last few weeks
Current mood: Rebellious

My last few weeks have been weeks of highs and lows. I don't understand how one day can be so fantastic and the next you can feel like you've been hit by an 18 wheeler. Lyme disease is so damaging to so many things, but I think mainly my ability to have fun has been drastically altered. I've never been one to stay up late or go to ball games or trips or ballets or anything that remotely resembles fun, but the fact that I have been stripped of the possibility of fun has taken a toll. So I am doing what I must: I am rebelling. Rebelling against my meds. Rebelling against my body. Rebelling against my spirit. My spirit will not break. You can't break what's already broken.

The last few days I have woken up nearly every morning at 3am "worshiping" the toilet. Then I have to go be at work by 6:30 and try to pretend that everything is just hunky dory. I spent all day in bed on Sunday because I rebelled against my meds and went to the Carolina basketball game to watch us win and then stayed out way too late eating dinner. Of course the dinner didn't set well and I wound up back in the bathroom again at 3am. My legs felt like someone twisted the meat right off the bone and my stomach was just about as empty as it has ever been. There is no way to put into words the amount of pain I was in on Sunday. Going on and off of antibiotics that make me feel so unbelievably bad inside. The rebellion was nice, but what did it accomplish? Another few days of Hell and now that I'm back on track ... I'll be back in the bathroom because the antibiotics make me feel so gross.

My first ever UNC basketball game was awesome. Almost everything was perfect. Ignoring the fact that my entire body was killing me and the smell of the lady wearing what appeared to be an entire bottle of perfume was gagging me, I actually had a pretty good time. (this was the same bolded line as december, but it is PERFECT to describe how I felt that day)

Rebelling the evil spirit of pain, I have made plans to go to the ballet near Thanksgiving and a trip to Western Carolina in a week or so. I'm pretty stoked to be doing things that are fun for once, but hoping and praying that maybe I'll be able to not be sick or be punished for actually having excitement in my life.

It could be worse. Rebellion. I will rebel, but not so that it puts my life in jeopardy. I will go and dutifully take my 7:15pm round of antibiotics so that in about two hours I will begin to feel nauseated and two hours after that my stomach will begin to churn and I'll finally feel better after one hour of vomiting. I know TMI, but live in my world for one day ... your spirit would have been broken long before now. I want to be awaken from this nightmare. Maybe one of these days, I'll wake up and realize the last 12 years of my life have been one gigantic nightmare and it will be 1995 again.

What would you have done differently? I would have demanded answers 12 years ago to my health problems.