Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Time Machines

Let us suppose for a moment that time travel really were possible. Let's also suppose that going back in time would not alter our lives in a bad way. I've been thinking about this for a few years actually because I have been thinking if I were able to go back in time ... how much better would my life had been if I had known all along that Lyme Disease was the problem?

Suppose I could have gone back to tell the 1988 version of myself that leaving my friends and moving to a new city would not be the end of the world. What if I could have told that scared version of myself that I would find new and wonderful friends in this new place and that those people would change the course of my future. I would find a beautiful place to call home and make memories that would last a life time. I would meet my future husband all because of this one move.

What if I could have gone back to the 1993 version of myself and told me that I needed to stand up more for what I believed in and tell people exactly what I thought of them. I mean really. What if I had just said "Look I just don't like you. You are not very nice and I don't appreciate it." What is the worst thing that could have happened? OR on the flip side ... What if I had gathered up enough nerve to tell a friend that I liked him more than just a friend? What if I had told myself that the one guy that I chose to chase wasn't worth it and that I would never ever get him in the end? I wish I could have had a little spinner out of game with the right guy's names on it that I could have spun in HS. At least then my chance of decent guys would have been better than the guys I actually dated. Some of them were real "winners" and not in a good way either.

I mean suppose I could go back to the 1995 version of myself when I found the tick behind my ear and educated myself on Lyme Disease and tick borne illnesses. Suppose if I could have know immediately that the little tiny tick would cause all of my ailments in the future. Would it have prevented any of my surgeries? Would I have spent countless nights getting sick or prevented overnight stays in the hospital?

What if I could have gone back to the 1997 version of myself where I just wasn't quite sure who I was or even who I wanted to be with. What if I could have just told myself that I did not need to be with anyone at all or that I could choose more than one person at one time and that would not be a wrong thing to do? Or even that the one person that you think just tolerates you actually likes you a lot. I wish I could go back to that version of myself. I think that's when I would have listened to the future me. 1997 is the year of change. If I could go back to one year and one year alone, it would be 1997.

Who knows how I would have turned out. I truly believe that I probably would have wound up right in the same position I am now. A beautiful strong woman that loves her family and friends with a few regrets, but knowing that all the missteps that I made in the past make me who I am today.

1 comment:

Renee said...

This is great,Jennifer!