Wednesday, June 27, 2012


I have been struggling.  Yesterday was the first day I had driven in 8 days.  Yesterday I had the shakes and had no strength.  My best friend called to ask if I'd join him for eating. In the "old" days, I would have said absolutely, thrown on some clothes and been there in 15 minutes max (5 to throw on clothes and brush my teeth and 10 to drive there).  Yesterday, it took 30 minutes.  Not really that big of a deal, but triple the time to get ready because I could barely squeeze the toothpaste onto my toothbrush.

I decided to get something simple.  The waitress brought over rolls and our drinks.  I began to tear the paper off the straw.  Correction:  I *tried* to tear the paper off the straw.  Now sometimes when I struggle at the simple tasks, I simply ask for help.  But other times, I'm so focused at the task at hand that forget that asking for help is an option. The waitress was taking our order and I'm focused on her.  Then I'm trying to get the straw out of the wrapper. I'm getting so frustrated at myself for not being able to open the straw that I try a different method when ... IT happens.  The straw finally pops out of the paper and my hand goes flying and whacks the glass over.  I had had that kind of day.  It (literally and figuratively) was almost my last straw. 

A string of "sorries" come out of my mouth as my best friends knows exactly what to say.  No harm no foul.  Neither one of us got wet (much less soaked) and we managed to keep the drink from going everywhere.  The waitress was quick in motion and I kept muttering things like, "should have stayed home,  it's been this kind of day, sorry" and I was trying to keep my tears from falling from the outside.

Waitress brought out a new glass with ... A NEW STRAW.  Seriously?  So I start to struggle with opening yet another straw and he says, "try tearing off at the end."  Now this is an easy solution and if my brain hadn't been cognitively struggling the solution would have come to me.  Two things: A.  It took me 2 or 3 minutes to tear a little piece off the end to get the straw to come through.  B:  Some people would have just taken the straw from me and opened it.  My best friend knows me better than that.  A simple solution offered was better than snatching the straw away and doing it himself. 

I've been so lonely lately that it was nice to get out and do something with anyone, but eating with my best friend is much more a comfort.  Although I was embarrassed at what happened, something like that is easier to handle with my husband or my best friend.  They have a great, "it happened now let's move on" attitude and later (much much much later) when I'm feeling much better --- it might be brought up in a humorous way. 

So yes, I'm struggling.  I've kind of forced myself back into hermit status because I don't want others to see me at a weak state.  I miss my friends and children at work (haven't worked since May 17th).  I also miss my friends and family.  I haven't really seen anyone in June other than my husband and best friend.  Of course my husband and I go out, but that's not really *seeing* people. That's us going to get what we need for the house and coming back home.  At least, we have furniture set up so I'm comfortable at the new house.  I have my choice of recliner, loveseat, couch or bed.  If I'm exhausted, I sleep. If I'm tired, I watch tv.  If I have any bit of energy at all, I try to do something in the house.  I wear my pajamas all day unless given a reason to change.  IE  Hubby comes home and needs to go to Lowe's.  Although Lowe's isn't my favorite store, lately if he goes to Lowe's I go with him because at least it gets me out of the house for a little bit.

So yes, I'm struggling.  By now I was supposed to be on 4 antibiotics.  I've only made it to 2 because I know what the next one is going to do to my body. I'm just not ready for that quite yet because I'm struggling.


Kara said...

Hi Jennifer! You are in my prayers. May the Lord bless and strengthen you and your husband through this time. I hope everything will start moving in a positive direction soon! {{hugs}} ~Kara

Kara said...

Hi Jennifer! You are in my prayers. May the Lord bless you with strength and peace during this time. I hope everything settle in and you start feeling better very soon! {{hugs}} ~Kara