Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Just Jennifer

How many of you have different versions of yourself? Come on speak up. You know it's true. When you're around strangers, you act one way. When you're around family, you act another. When you're with coworkers, there is a completely alternate side. There are many sides to me.

There is the absolute strong side. This side of me will not admit weakness. This side of me will not let anyone in to see the how badly I feel. I have shown this version to almost everyone at one point or another. I really had to utilize the strong side when I was getting sick and did not realize what was going on to my body. I did not want anyone to know how badly I felt or that my body was failing me. The strong side is the side that won't let me travel because I don't want people to see that I fail at something or that I am directionally challenged. At the very peak of my illness, it was very difficult to keep this strong side focused because I needed help. It was difficult to ask for help because asking for help meant showing that my body was failing me. There were only a few people that I confided in for assistance.

It's this strong version of me that I really want the world to see, but sometimes the weak side slips out when I least expect it. The weak side is the version of me that houses the tears. Sometimes it causes uncontrollable crying and sometimes it causes me just to mope around the house feeling a tad bit sorry for myself. However, I usually don't let this side show too often nor to too many people. Then there is the crazy Jennifer. I show her when I'm feeling either extremely comfortable or extremely uncomfortable in a situation.

A few years ago, I became Lyme Jennifer. Lyme advocate extraordinaire. Pretty much all my thoughts were about Lyme. It's hard not to be Lyme centered when everything you do involves Lyme Disease and treatment.

I have some friends that I am strictly strong Jennifer around. Some of these people need my strong side while others could understand my vulnerability, but I just don't let them in. There are others that see more of all of me, but there are very few that see just Jennifer. Sometimes I wonder if I've ever seen just Jennifer. I saw her this week for the first time in a really long time. It felt good to laugh, shop, hang out with friends and not be worried about getting home in time for a treatment. I know I should be taking these supplements and I know that if I continue not taking them that a relapse could occur, but it feels so good to be Just Jennifer.

Who do you just wanna be?

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