June 10, 2008

I've recently been thinking about how far I've come. So I went digging for something I wrote before I started this public blog. Look at exactly how far I have come.

June 10, 2008. I had been in Lyme treatment for 1 year and 3 months when I wrote this in a private journal.

He will not give me more than I can handle. I have heard that so many times and yet I grow weary. In theory, it's a wonderful sentiment. In practice, how much more can I take? No one on this earth truly knows the amount of pain I am in except for my wonderful husband. He's seen me swollen. He's seen me vomiting until I am basically unconscious. He's seen me unconscious.

He's seen the nurses try and try again for a vein to give me medication that I desperately need. He's seen me lying on the bathroom floor with no strength to even get up yet somehow I manage to pull myself together, get dressed and head out the door to do my 8 hour day at work only to get home and collapse for another night of ...

pain, swelling, fevers, vomiting, nausea, coughing, pain, twitches, massive sleep OR insomnia, nightmares, breathing difficulty, fatigue, emotional outbursts, migraines, brain fog, difficulty swallowing, ear ringing, blurry vision, rashes, seizures, burning sensations in my arms and legs and feet, loss of control of my feet, muscle weakness, and those are just a few of the things that I can remember right now.

I just woke from another 3 hour nap sweating so hard that my clothes were soaked. My head is killing me from yet another headache. I have floaters in my vision that won't go away. My brain isn't working the way I need it to. Thank GOD that some of the symptoms on my at random list have gone away. I don't know what I would do if I still had seizures on a daily basis.

I change one set of horrible things for another set. It's like .. I'll give you this treatment. It will give you nausea and diarrhea and vomiting, but if I give you this one ..you'll have daily headaches and severe weight loss. If we do nothing at all and just treat the symptoms, all those other things might come back (including the seizures, muscle weakness and twitches so severe that people started asking if I had Parkinson's).

I write because it's an emotional release. I am tired. I am weak and yet in the morning I will pull myself together one more day ... put on my work clothes and head to work for my 8 hour day.

I have some friends that are going through some tough times. They don't know it, but they have gotten me through my most difficult days. When I lack the strength I need, I look to them for guidance. They are the strongest ladies I know. From my point of view, they have two things that give them their strength. First is their belief that our God can do all things and the second is their families.

I can not thank them enough for their outward strength because it is through their strength that I get my strength to go through each day because I have the same two things they have. I have my belief that GOD CAN DO ALL THINGS and I have my family.

If you are my true friend, you know what I've been through and you have been there for me. I can not thank you enough for the gentle hugs, kind emails, and phone calls. They mean more to me than you will ever know. Here I sit at 11:21 wondering .. how I will get through tomorrow. I will get through tomorrow by my own strength .. my own will to survive and knowing that God will not give me any more than I can handle. A nice sentiment ... a truthful one. Pray for me. I need for all prayers to land on God's ears. I need strength and compassion from those around me. :) I love you all.