Once you finish reading this, you will see why I had to wait to make the announcement. My heart is still heavy over this. If you know me at all, you know how much I hate change -- but today I choose to change. I will do the same thing over and over again because of comfort. But today, in order to preserve my own sanity and my own health, I need to choose to change my own path.
One thing I have learned over the last four and 1/2 years with my Lyme diagnosis is that periods of stress can cause serious relapses. There are many things that are causing me undue stress. I need to choose to change those things for my own preservation, but the change itself causes stress. It really is a vicious cycle. However, there comes a point where you have to choose a path. Which path is less stressful?
Edgar A. Guest said it best, "You are the person who has to decide. Whether you'll do it or toss it aside; You are the person who makes up your mind. Whether you'll lead or will linger behind. Whether you'll try for the goal that's afar. Or just be contented to stay where you are."
So I am deciding, I am choosing ... choosing to change. I am choosing to not linger behind because moving forward is the option I must choose. I choose to change. The other aspect of change is this: Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Since I got sick, I have put other people's needs ahead of my own. I have done a lot of things to improve the quality of my health, but when push came to shove -- I always gave more to others than I gave to myself. I gave others advice that I wouldn't take myself. Finally, I chose to change that.
What's all of this got to do with Lyme? Well I have pushed and pushed myself daily to make it appear that I am better than I am. When I was in Lyme remission, it was wonderful. I didn't really have to think twice about going out, staying up late or hanging out with friends. I just did things. Well now that I'm out of remission, it's more difficult to push through to appear normal. So I decided something has to give. What needed to give were my own expectations. I needed to change my own expectations. Therefore, I choose to change.
Bottom Line is that I need to make my health my number one priority. I need to make more time for God, my health and my husband. Therefore with heavy heart, I resigned from work on December 5th. My last day of work will be Friday the 16th of December. While I will meet those who disagree with my decision, it was my decision to make. And to those that think why now, why not before --- it was something that had to be done in my own time. If someone two years ago had said to me that I should stop working, I would have said absolutely not. I was stubborn. I am stubborn. That's why I have worked the duration of my illness. Stubborn as a mule. However, I am choosing to change. I still plan on being stubborn, but stubborn to get well.
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5 comments:
Oh, Jennifer, this must be a hard decision for you, but taking care of yourself is so important. You, know, what you wrote here is really speaking to me and Joel too. It is so difficult to take care of ourselves and so very very necessary. Good for you, Jennifer. I hope and pray it makes a big difference in your health.
Jennifer...I fully understand where you are coming from. I had to give up a career I loved, kept cutting the hours I worked until I barely worked at all and still could not improve my health.
Didn't know I had Lyme at the time but found out quickly that stress and lack of sleep were two things that made things much worse. Sat some days crying in the parking lot because I felt so horrible and just didn't think I could fake it anymore.
Others said, "well you could just do this...or only a couple hours doing that". Doesn't work out, need the time for me. Also had to cut out some friends but that's how it goes.
Hope this helps you get back on solid ground. The Lyme Life isn't what anyone would choose but if you have it in order to have any life at all you have to accept it for what it is and that is will always be with you.
I absolutely think you are making the right decision. If you don't have to work then don't put that added pressure on yourself...allow your body to have more down time to rest and heal. Even if you do need to work sometimes your body will say "Oh no you're not!" like mine did four years ago. I had to quit my dream job and rather than climbing the corporate ladder I'm losing my skills and am on disability. But we don't have a choice. We must do what we have to in order to get well. Time to take care of yourself...good choice. Good luck, be well.
Hang in there! I had to close my business in Oct. Not an easy thing to do but we have nothing with out our health
Thanks to everyone! I really appreciate your thoughts. :)
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