Saturday, September 25, 2010

Making Plans

I've always been a planner. A list maker. No matter what I've done, there has always been a plan. Sometimes a written out detailed list of what was going to happen. Times, places, people, things I need to take with. Even if there wasn't a written list, there was a list in my head. Almost constantly. Then, I got Lyme.
I'm not sure if Lyme made it worse or better. I'm constantly thinking of times, places, people, things I need to take with, but I'm also more apt to be a little more spontaneous though .. also a little more stringent in where I go and how late I am out.

Typically now a days, I don't make concrete plans anymore. It's partially to do with how I never really know how I am going to feel on any given day. But, it's also partially to do with how I have been disappointed over the years in others that break plans. However because of Lyme, I think that I've learned to "plan for the worst, but hope for the best."

Case in point: One of my close friends is notoriously bad for standing me up. She (oh that got you guys to thinking eh? I hardly have any female friends) has so much on her plate that she just fails to remember she's made plans with me. This person doesn't have children. This person doesn't have a husband. She's just busy. ALL the time. It used to really bother me. Who am I kidding, it still bothers me. I haven't seen this person in over a year. In fact, I may have only seen this person one time since my Lyme Diagnosis. This person simply overplans. This person will make plans with about 10 different people in a day and when she gets overbooked with things to do, I'm the one that gets cut lose. That stings just a little. Every time she plans to visit, I think "Oh she won't come." Now I say 99 percent of the time, she does not come. Can you imagine the elation I feel the 1 percent of the time, she actually does show up? It's huge!

Well I don't like to disappoint people like my friend disappoints me. So instead of making firm plans anymore, I just pretty much have reigned it to say we'll have to see closer to the time. Before I would have jumped in with both feet already having a list of things I'd need to do to be able to do said things. This week was a tough week. A very tough week. One of the toughest weeks I have had in a year. Outside of work, I did two "spontaneous" things. However, imagine if I had made plans for those same items say on Monday. The day I wound up at Urgent Care having a shot of Cortisone slammed in my rear end muscle and slept for 3 hours upon arriving home from said shot. I would have disappointed people which would have disappointed me.

In October, I have two set in stone plans. This kind of scares me. No matter how badly I feel, I will more than likely go to both set in stone plans ... especially since the first event cost me a great deal of money to attend. Doesn't help though that I had such a "bad health week" so close to said event. What if I'm so exhausted I can barely keep moving? Fortunately I have people in my life that push me through the worst part until I can actually collapse from fatigue.

The other is that in the first event, I have people there that understand what I have been through and know where the nearest ER is just in case. ;) Even though I won't need it, it does help knowing that it's available. I used to not worry about such things. I'd go on vacations and not even think where is the nearest Urgent Care or ER. Until I got Lyme. Then I'd constantly ponder such things. We (hubby and I) go to the beach and when we pass the hospital on the way to the hotel, I always point it out. I've (knock on wood) never needed them, but still nice to know that they are there.

I imagine by the end of October that my body is just going to collapse. I just wish that most people got it. That most people understood. I get invited to a barbeque. Can I go? I just don't know. And I won't know until that day. It just depends on how I feel. And if I do go? I won't eat. And they'll be offended. They just don't get it. Then it gets to the point where people just don't invite me anymore. That stings too.

Guess that's what is on my mind lately. Making plans, breaking plans, wishful thinking that Lyme could disappear to the point where I could start having a life on Friday and Saturday nights that don't include a mattress, pillow and a blanket. (aka Sleep)

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